I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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