he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
