i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
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