Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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