I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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