i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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