I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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