So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
