I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
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