she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Randomize
