im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
