Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
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