On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
Well apparently he's into motor boating.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
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