Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Randomize
