peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
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