my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Randomize
