My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
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