When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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