I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
