there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Randomize
