Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
you inspire me to be a worse person
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize