i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Randomize
