Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
