she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
