ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
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