I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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