I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
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