DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
