Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Randomize
