That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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