Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Randomize
