your parents love me but you hate me
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
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