there were more penises there than on chat roulette
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
