Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
