I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I wear drunk well.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
