yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
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