News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
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