I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
