im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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