idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
her vagine was all disorganized.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
