hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
