Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
