I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
