Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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