I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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