The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
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