I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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