every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Randomize
