I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Randomize
