Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
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