Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
