Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
