if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
if i can run in heels then i can drive
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize