What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
