Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
