we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
