I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I am one with the molecules
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
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