last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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