clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
