you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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