She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
